Rewind & Replay: Bollywood Movies That Sneaked In & Out While You Weren't Looking
Posted On 28th December, 2017 @ 11:34 am by MTV Editor

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No matter how senseless or cringeworthy the final thing is, making a film is unarguably hard work—nothing can take away from all the labour that goes into conceptualising, casting, pre-production, shooting, more shooting, still moaaar shooting, post-production, promotion, CBFC cuts, almost-release, random uproar and protests, another almost-release, the idontevencareanymorejustreleasealready... And while the process of the film remains the same across the board, there are some unfortunate cases where a movie comes and goes without anyone noticing. Because the trailer already has you convinced that the movie's going to be ridiculous, perhaps, or because you're annoyed that the makers couldn't be bothered to think of titles for sequels beyond adding a number before it, or - and this is the most likely reason - because Bhai ki film also released that weekend.

 

Here’s acknowledging all the movies that played at the multiplex near you this year!  (The list is way longer that you’d think.) (But stay with us, writing ain't easy either.)

 

 

1. Coffee With D

It was a mid-Jan release, so we forgive you. You hadn't even finished laminating your list of resolutions for the year yet, how could anyone possible expect you to pay attention to a Sunil Grover-Zakir Hussain starrer? Wasn't Gutthi on some kinda strike anyway? 

 

Coffee With D

 

2. Hind Ka Napak Ko Jawab: MSG Lion Heart 2

Sequel to the first MSG: The Messenger, directed by and starring the self-proclaimed godman Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insan, and his daughter Honeypreet Insan. Predictably, this film made the news and a whole bunch of noise in the build up to the release, but no one realised when/if it hit the theaters for real. The film is officially "based on the 2016 Uri attack and 2016 India–Pakistan military confrontation", but that's not why no one cared.

 

Hind Ka Napak Ko Jawab- MSG Lion Heart 2

 

3. Irada

Based on Erin Brockovich (!), this February release had a solid star cast (Naseeruddin Shah, Arshad Warsi, Divya Dutta), and yet slipped in and out of theatres so quietly that we don’t even know what the poster of this film looks like. Maybe because it was based in Bhatinda, and wasn't a slapstick comedy but a commentary on the long-lasting dangers of living in a city surrounded by thermal power plants and factories.  

 

Irada 

 

4. Chauhar

Described as "a true love story from Bihar, Chauhar explores the never seen facts about the Indian society", this film is in fact exactly like 16,000 films Bollywood has already made. The sort of nonsense that needs an A-lister with blind faith followers to draw a crowd to the theatre. Needless to say, this didn't.

 

Chauhar

 

5. Wedding Anniversary

This Mahie Gill and Nana Patekar starrer had so many artists involved, that even if only their immediate families talked about this film, we would've heard about it. But we guess even they didn't see the point.

 

Wedding Anniversary

 

 

6. Mona Darling

Interesting name, semi-interesting trailer, but that’s about it. The film, a social thriller, sought to tell the tale of the victims of social media, but no one turned up to listen to that story.

 

Mona Darling

 

 

7. Jeena Isi Ka Naam Hai

This one was an inspirational movie about the life of an author. Despite prominent stars like Arbaaz Khan, Ashutosh Rana, Supriya Pathak, and Prem Chopra, the film was a great example of marna isi ka naam hai when it came to the box office.

 

Jeena Isi Ka Naam Hai

 

8. Aa Gaya Hero

Touted as Govinda’s comeback film, this spectacular box office failure was a throwback of all things '90s—Govinda’s action, hilarious dialogues, and signature dance moves all over again. The only problem? It's 2017. 

 

Aa Gaya Hero

 

9. Machine

This was a movie about rich kids meeting each other and falling in love and then stabbing each other in the back for the sake of money. This was also directed by Abbas-Mustan, which means the plot had so many unnecessary twists that it just gave everybody in the first screening a headache, and all the motivation they needed to tell everyone they knew to avoid the thing. 

 

Machine

 

10. Bhanwarey

This one's a remix of the age-old plot—three friends, shoddy apartment, struggle to survive, and some accidental involvement in drug and porn rackets. All this repetition topped with a strange star cast, and zero promotions. Well, TBH, we would have been surprised if you'd watched the film even if you had heard of it. 

 

Bhanwarey

 

11. Poorna: Courage Has No Limit

Based on the real life story of a 13-year-old girl who beat the odds to become the youngest girl to ever scale the Everest, this Rahul Bose movie should have worked, but the masses didn't bite. However, it garnered enough critical acclaim for Bose to hunt down more such inspirational stories and turn them into movies.

 

Poorna- Courage Has No Limit

 

12. Laali Ki Shaadi Mein Laaddoo Deewana

First of all, what the actual f*ck is this name?

 

Laali Ki Shaadi Mein Laaddoo Deewana

 

 13. Mirza Juuliet

Yet another interpretation and retelling of the famous Mirza Sahiban folk story of Punjab, this movie failed to draw an audience (and they should fire the numerologist who insisted on them using the letter 'u' twice).

 

Mirza Juuliet

 

 

14. Mukti Bhawan

A journey of a son who takes his father to Varanasi because he's all "oh I'm going to die here, #salvation #kthanxbai", it's exactly the sort of thing that would make a lot of bhakts very happy. So we're not sure why it didn’t work. But this list is the gift that keeps on giving, and we're barely halfway through). 

 

Mukti Bhawan

 

 

 

15. Ek Thi Rani Aisi Bhi

Hema Malini played Vijaya Raje Scindia in this biopic that looked like it was going to be more boring than a Kent water purifier ad on its fifth loop. It didn’t show up at multiplexes, neither did we.

 

Ek Thi Rani Aisi Bhi

 

 

16. Mantostaan

A dramatisation of four stories written by the controversial but sharp AF Urdu writer Saadat Hasan Manto, this was meant to be a straight-to-web production that crashed theatres instead like an uninvited uncle at a millennial shindig. Obviously, it lacked the production level a big screen demands, so it looked bad, and Rahat Kazmi's little experiment with the narrative by intertwining four of Manto's stories was a colossal fail. Don't feel bad about missing this one.

 

Mantostaan

 

17. Jattu Engineer

Promoted as a ‘horredy’ starring Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insan and Honeypreet Insan, this is exactly the genre it would have fit in even if they didn’t specify it.

 

Jattu Engineer

 

 

18. Thodi Thodi Si Manmaaniyan

A rockstar falls in love with an activist and has to eventually deal with his father’s death and the film's writers losing interest in the script halfway through. We're so bored even thinking about it, that we're not even going to bother with sentences. 

 

Thodi Thodi Si Manmaaniyan

 

 

19. Sweetiee Weds NRI

Rule #1: If you reveal the entire plot in the title, your movie will bomb. 

There is no Rule #2.

 

 

Sweetiee Weds NRI

 

20. Dobaara: See Your Evil

The minute Bollywood starts saying things like "supernatural horror film", it's time to swap your popcorn for Babaji's booti, and settle in for a some raucous comedy.

 

Dobaara_ See Your Evil

 

21. Love You Family

This sounds like something Karan Johar should have made, and had he given it a go, it probably would've even worked, much to our horror, and complete lack of surprise. But he didn't, and we're grateful for that too, quite frankly. Footnote: This film stars Shakti Kapoor. Just putting it out there. 

 

Love You Family

 

 

22. Ek Haseena Thi Ek Deewana Tha

If Haseena is the female lead, then Deewana must be the guy she’s about to get married to, amirite? Of course not. Deewana is the stud farm keeper who Haseena falls in love with. Except that he's not real, lololololz. And you thought only Hrithik Roshan had an imposter! Psshh...

 

Ek Haseena Thi Ek Deewana Tha

 

23. Raag Desh

Oooo. A period drama that revolves around Indian National Army trials. Goosebumps, anyone? No? Want to go to Pakistan?  

 

Raag Desh

 

 

24. Gurgaon

Yaar. 

 

gurgaon

 

 

25. Patel Ki Punjabi Shaadi

Rishi Kapoor, Vir Das, Paresh Rawal, Prem Chopra—how the hell did a film with so many comedy heavyweights come and go without anyone noticing? We're so confused. 

 

Patel Ki Punjabi Shaadi

 

26. The Final Exit

Another “supernatural horror” film. Obviously, it met with the kind of fate everyone saw coming, but pretended not to.

 

The Final Exit

 

 

27. JD

A promising attempt at interpreting the Tarun Tejpal’s sexual assault case, in which some of the people in the film played their real life roles. But then... what happened to this one? Did it come? Did it go? We have no idea. 

 

JD

 

28. Panchlait

The story of a village that gets no electricity, and is struggling to light up their lives—both literally and metaphorically. Nope. Didn’t even manage to light up a proper release.

 

Panchlait

 

29. Dil Jo Na Keh Saka

Another coming of age love story. Another couple. Same set of problems. Bye. 

 

Dil Jo Na Keh Saka

 

30. Sallu Ki Shaadi

NICE TRY, FILM-NAMER. But the real Sallu - and the only one we care about - is back with Katrina and he's still a virgin and he's still not getting married and if a Salman Khan fan actually walked into a theatre thinking it was a movie based on the movie star, he would set the entire cinema chain on fire, bros. C'mon. You know that. 

 

Sallu Ki Shaadi

 

Believe it or not (not), THERE WERE MORE! But my editor will lock me in a basement if this list gets longer. Plus, these films were so terrible, they had the good sense to not leave any traces behind--nothing on the internet, no memories, not even casual mentions—Romeo-N-Bullet, Ajab Singh Ki Gajab Kahani, Chakallaspur, Bachche Kachche Sachche, Tu Hai Mera Sunday, Babu Ji Ek Ticket Bambai, Mein Terrorist Nahi Hoon, The Window, Office #thebrightesthorrorfilm

A dull year for Bollywood? Holy shit, yes. 

 

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