9 Things That Happen When You Move In With A Girl Who’s Not Your Girlfriend
Posted On 11th September, 2017 @ 13:32 pm by Debanjan Dhar


You find an advertisement on the internet about someone needing a roommate. You see no gender specifications. You call the number and a girl picks up. Now you’re cool, so you don’t show your excitement or anxiety over the phone. Your mamma's gonna diswown you if she finds out you’re planning to move in with a girl. But the deal’s sweet - no brokerage, minimal deposit - it doesn’t get better than this in a big city.

 So you go to check her out, err, the apartment, and you like what you see. But you also know that in these three years of living outside your parents’ house, you have never lived in an apartment as tidy as this one. You take a moment to remember all the roommates you have ever been with. ‘’Gandi naali ke keede’’, you think to yourself. And then you start living with a girl who’s not your girlfriend, not even your friend. And you wonder...


1. Where do you hang your underwear? 







Do you have a laundry bag? Hell, no. You’re the dude who used other people’s toothbrush when you used to stay with the guys. But now you need a laundry bag. Because you don’t know where to dry your freakin’ underwear. There’s no place in the house that is inaccessible anyone, and you can’t have your mangerie just hanging out. So the first morning, you just put it in your office bag. But you can’t do that every day.


2. What happens when mom calls? On skype? 








Bro, she’s not your girlfriend. So you can’t ask her to hide in the bathroom, or STFU. She’s gonna slap your face with that underwear you hid in your office bag. (No she won’t. She’s never gonna touch that.) Sure, you can have a prior understanding with her. But being the stud that you pretend to be, can you tell her that this little manboy is scared to tell his mommy that he’s living with a girl? You sucker.



3. Hair, hair everywhere 







It’s only hair. You’re used to living with way grosser stuff lying on the floor; your living room has been the natural habitat of all the trash in the world. But now that the floors are all squeaky clean, every strand of hair catches your attention. Just when you thought this is a part of living with a girl, you take a closer look at the hair – it’s too small to be hers. Holy shit - it's your hair! You hairy, Indian man. That’s your hair shedding from your caveman legs! You disgust yourself.


4. Wood morning 








You passed out on the couch in your boxers the other night, and you’re never going to do that ever again. Because the next morning, as she walked into the hall, you were asleep but your towering presence was a little too imposing. Also, now you know better than to just wake up and walk into the kitchen where she’s already making breakfast for herself. Why? Because in the mornings, your member enters the room before yourself. So just wait in your bed until the Sensex drops.


5. The mood swing cycle 








Your roommate’s a nice person. Usually. But sometimes you get yelled at. You think it’s because of all the hair you have been shedding. You blame your testosterone. But then you realise a pattern to the madness, and realise that it wasn’t the testosterone – it’s the estrogen. The other day you were yelled at over the toilet seat, which brings us to the next point.


6. The toilet seat – up or down








You have been repeatedly asked to keep the toilet seat down. But the rebel in you makes you question the authority. Why should the seat go down? You have no use of the seat unless you’re pooping. So it’s absolutely redundant to make the effort of putting it down. If someone needs the seat down it’s totally their responsibility to put it back up, considering the next person is not going to need it. The logic makes total sense to you, and you’re all ready to go and lay it out in front of your roommate. Right after you put the toilet seat down.


7. The society aunty 








She covers her kids’ eyes with her hands when they pass your apartment. You made the mistake of smiling at her once, and now the entire neighbourhood calls you Charles Sobhraj. You’re amazed by how your roommate DGAF about this prying neighbour but you’re terrified at the thought of a Sunday society meeting where you’re the subject of discussion.


8. Tere kaminey dost 








You didn’t have to invite them over, they invited themselves. Not that they miss you – they were just too curious. You were okay with one of them trying to flirt with your roommate. You were also okay praying to god for the walls to be thick enough to not carry through choice excerpts of the conversation your friends were having about your situation. But now that they have actually started betting on whether you’ll be able to score. It's a bit too much. Time to get new friends.


9. Uska launda boyfriend  








A girl like her would definitely have a boyfriend. But you were hoping he wasn’t a 6-ft-tall, t-shirt ripping sort of a guy, whose pectoral muscles make you want to kill yourself (before he can). Turns out, he's just the kind of guy you were hoping he wouldn't be. When you two were introduced, he responded to your meek ‘’hi’’ with a straight-faced nod. You knew you had to come across as the most non-threatening guy to this gym-rat. You succeeded. Now he doesn’t care about your existence, and that makes you often stay up late at night and wonder, ‘’am I really that non-threatening?’’. 




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