The grannies always told us that honesty is the best policy, but as I’ve found out at great personal cost, when it comes to men, there are some things that just have to be swept under the ‘need to know’ carpet.
You see, if guys were to be presented with the unvarnished truth about our exes, finances or rather the amount of money we can blow up in half an hour over a pair of shoes, they’d be out of the door in about as much time as it took to grab the Xbox, the console and the Star Wars DVDs lying around. To stop you from blindly walking into this grey territory dotted with potential land mines, we drew up a list of 5 things your man definitely does NOT want to hear:
Does This Make Me Look Fat?
If we had a penny for every time a girl asked her boyfriend in a studiedly casual tone, “Does this make me look fat?” we’d be partying in a sun villa. And if we had a pound for each time a guy mentally cringed and cast around for a convincing answer, we’d partying in a sun villa on our private island in the Bahamas. Your guy is not a weighing machine, nor is he a sympathetic girlfriend who will couch it in diplomatic terms. Especially if it happens to be early days in the relationship, by constantly drumming it into his head that you are insecure about your weight, he’ll stop seeing you as finished goods and start recognizing you as a project in the making instead.
Your Sister Is A B*tch
My sister is a total stuck up cow and I should have booted her out of my life ages ago – Said no guy ever. She could be Cruella De Ville’s breathing counterpart and you still can’t say a word about her. No matter how much you’re dying to tell her exactly where she can shove that patent leather spiky heeled Jimmy Choo boot. Let’s face it, she is his family, not yours, and all rights to crib about her are signed over in an exclusive, non-negotiable contract to him.
Your Ex Is Still Clinging Onto You. Are You Frickin’ Blind?
Being in a love triangle is no fun, especially when the ghost of his ex girlfriend seems to be following him around with enough tenacity to put a Rottweiler to shame. Guys, bless them, might have supreme brain power which extensively covers complicated gaming manuals and remembering exactly what Beckham was doing when Manchester United scored the winning goal in the Champions League Final. But when it comes to hapless exes doing the damsel in distress act... Suffice it to say that not being able to hit Ctrl Alt Del will be written off as a perfectly legitimate excuse to ring up at 1 in the night for.
I Had This Horrible Fight With My Boss Today.
Any other girl would recognize this as a cue to take you shoe – shopping, or at the very least bring out an ice cream carton from the freezer as you unload the dirty deets. It is common courtesy really, to give you an uncritical hug and tell you that it wasn’t your fault, whatever it was. Manners, we call it. But mention this to your guy and all you’ll get is blunt (and often, annoyingly spot on) advice about how you asked for it, all broken down into neat five minute slots, timed with their cricket commercials.
Why Don’t You Just Marry Your Xbox? Put A Ring On It And Make It Official.
Sounds innocuous enough when you read it like that. Will quickly detonate into Cold War II if you are crass enough to mention it to him. There’s something about that tiny console that can turn the most intelligent of men into grunting teenagers - Pamela Anderson could materialize in your living room, clad in a drenched white bikini, and all they’d do is give a cursory nod before going back to setting their eight digit highscores. You don’t need an Octopus Paul to predict that the only thing your well intentioned queries, about how it’s unhealthy to spend that many hours hunched over the console, will lead to is a stressy 2 hour long fight for you and a night on the sofa for him.
Photo courtesy: Mr & Mrs Smith (Movie Still) (Picture used for representative purposes only)