As a human being choosing to live within the structures and pressures of a society, there’s a surprising amount of WEEEEEYURD shit you can get away with. You just have to wait till you’re the right age. By which we mean wait till you’re really, really old. That’s when you get away with all kinds of bizarre stuff. Like voting for Brexit. (HOW WILL WE EVER COME TO LONDON NOW, UNCLE MIKE?)
Not that we need to convince anyone, but let’s take a look at some typical old people shenanigans.
At no point in your entire life are you likely to think naps are a bad idea. But nevermind the newer, forward-thinking, employee-happy-making companies like Google, who have things like napping pods to encourage sleepy employees to take a quick snooze. But really, the only acceptable age to ‘nap’ – especially in the middle of the day – is if you’re under four years old or over 65.
Rub it in Google, just rub it in.
2. SAY SOME REAL SEXIST SH*T
Both men and women know that once they cross the age of retirement, they’re almost expected to let everyone know what they *really* think about that bahu who likes a glass of wine with her dinner after work, or about the lady moderating a panel on a business news channel. You can’t fire grandma. Or grandpa. So you just sit there wondering if they were always like this.
3. SCHOOLING YOUNG PARENTS
New parents tend to be extra vigilant and worried about the progress of their child. As a peer, especially a peer with no child, your opinions are better off swallowed with your own tongue. While you may be tired of walking on eggshells around new parents, old people have no qualms saying what needs to be said, no sugar-coating needed.
4. WEARING PANTS SUPER HIGH
Think just below the bottom of their heart. If old men don’t wear their pants at least a foot above their belly button, they won’t be able to sleep peacefully at night.
Good thing it’s a super cute look. (Also, what is that woman behind him wearing?!)
5. DROPPING TRUTH BOMBS ON THEIR ADULT CHILDREN
Your parents don’t have time for your under-confident self when they have spent years and years sending you to schools and colleges so you get a good job and a good life. They don’t have time to mollycoddle you anymore.
6. UNFILTERED CONVERSATIONS WITH OTHER OLD PEOPLE
Sometimes we forget that old people have a sense of humour. They know they are old and weak too, they’ve got eyes and a calendar.
If you can’t roast your friends, who can you roast really?
Pretending to die, that is. Just to give you some tension for a few seconds. Then they open their eyes and start laughing. It’s really unsettling.
Until they really die one day. But you know they had a good long life and is up there in heaven, kicking back with “god”, yelling insults about the length of your hair, or the lack of culture in your generation.