PLAY THE (RIGHT) GAME: DUMB WAYS TO DIE ON VALENTINE'S DAY
Posted On 13th February, 2018 @ 19:58 pm by MTV Editor

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Whether you’re a determined believer in love and romance and soulmates and happy endings (stop it), polishing your love crystals in time for V-Day, or a rage-against-the-machine straight up fucking buzzkill, Valentine’s Day has grown into the sort of beast no one can ignore. Everything is red and pink and hearts and roses, and now that it’s trendy to be anti-love and chill AF, everything is also black and nihilistic and covered in memes that say what you want to say without saying anything that could get you into emotional trouble.

 

Whatever side of the fence you’re on, there are universal human patterns that scientists have long observed through decades of unnecessary study in the labs of some of the most otherwise respected universities and research facilities in the world. The things you do on Valentine’s Day that YOU JUST DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER. The things you do despite yourself. The things you do because you had 13 wines too many. The things your BFF made you do. The things that SOMEHOW JUST HAPPENED because a virus took over your phone. The things that made perfect sense at the time, but then you woke up and it wasn’t just a bad dream.  

 

Here’s a game to test how cuckoo this Day of Love makes you on a scale of 1 to WTFAREYOUDOINGBRO? Answer the exhaustive list of questions below. Add or subtract points as suggested alongside.

 

Have you:

1. Started a countdown to Valentine’s Day even though you “don’t believe in it” (+ 5 points)

2. Thought of Valentine’s Day as soon as you flipped the calendar to February (+ 5 points)

3. Stalked your ex (+ 15 points)

4. Felt miserable while doing it (- 10 points)

5. Accidentally liked a picture from 300 weeks ago (+ 80 points)

6. Drunk-dialled your ex (+ 50 points)

7. Lay down on the floor, tried not to cry, cried real hard (+5 points)

8. Googled “self-love” (+10 points)

9. Cried on realising you don’t love yourself, and have to start the whole process again because “no one can love you if you don’t love yourself, and to love yourself you have to sort through childhood trauma”, AND WHO EXACTLY HAS 15 YEARS AND A CASUAL RS. 300 CRORE LYING AROUND FOR THAT KINDA THERAPY?: Skip points, this one’s hard enough. (Skip points, this one’s hard enough)

10. Smirked at a couple (+20 points)

11. Wished you were that couple you smirked at (+40 points)

12. Attempted poetry (+50 points)

13. Put that fucking shit on Instagram (+300 points)

14. Netflixed any of the following: DDLJ, Bridget Jones, Jab We Met, Pretty Woman, When Harry Met Sejal and/or Sally, You’ve Got Mail, Darr (#loveislove), Titanic (with Hindi subtitles) (+30 points)

15. Deleted your profile on Netflix because you were ashamed of that history (+5 points)

16. Told everyone your dog/mom/job is your Valentine (+5 points)

17. Made the Happy Ballentine’s Day joke for the 567th fucking time (+360 points)

18. Blamed corporations and capitalism for putting you through this shit (-40 points)

19. Worked “Hallmark cards” into any sentence during the last 10 days (+10 points)

20. Assault couples out in public and force them to get married (+30 points)

21. Pay for TinderPlus on 13 February (+20 points)

22. Flirted with someone on Airtel/Banking customer care (+30 points)

23. Made single people feel like shit (+5 points)

24. Made couples feel like shit (+10 points)

25. Pretended to be in a long distance relationship (+10 points)

26. Ordered yourself flowers to the office from “anon” (+30 points)

27. Googled Neruda/Gulzar for love quotes (+5 points)

28. Updated social media status with the results (+20 points)

29. Changed relationship status to “it’s Complicated” (+40 points)

30. Deleted Facebook (+50 points)

31. Broke up with your lover so you didn’t have to buy a present (+60 points)

32. Got back together the day after (+100 points)

33. Learnt the significance of different coloured roses (yellow is friends? Whut?) (+20 points)

34. Booked a one-way ticket to Matheran (+10 points)

35. Proposed to your favourite celebrity (+30 points)

36. Wore red (+10 points)

37. Consciously did not wear red (+20 points)

38. Pointed out to someone that hearts aren’t actually shaped like that <3 (+10 points)

39. Received a Valentine’s Day forward from your landlord (+30 points)

40. Sent a Valentine’s Day broadcast to your entire list of contacts (+20 points)

41. Got a pity smile from the bouncer when you asked him, “Stag entry hai kya?” (+10 points)

42. Excited about a Single’s Party your sad-o friend is throwing to make everyone feel better (+20 points)

43. Were the only person who showed up for it (+30 points)

44. Got a promotional email from a porn site (+20 points)

45. Cried when the tennis score was love-all (+10 points)

46. Cried in general (+50 points)

47. Used all the discount codes from Uber to cupcakes (+20 points)

48. Told your family you’re going out, but sat in the driveway alone instead (+30 points)

49. Bought two tickets for a movie you’re watching alone (+10 points)

50. Smirked when you asked the cinema guy for corner seats (+20 points)

51. Checked out condom brands at the chemist, walked out with Hajmola (+5 points)

52. Bought a tshirt that says: “No one dies a virgin, life fucks everyone” (+20 points)

53. Got sent a #foreveralone meme by your mother (+20 points)

54. Ended up being the only person screaming “WOOOO” when the DJ said “single people make some noise!” (+10 points)

55. Cracked that “Children’s Day is in exactly nine months” joke (+5 points)

56. Laughed at it (+15 points)

57. Repeated it to someone else (+30 points)

58. Laughed again (+50 points)

59. Googled “Is Deepika/Ranveer single?” (+10 points)

60. Mugged up the lyrics to “Tadap tadap ke…” (+20 points)

61. Almost made your shaadi.com profile. Almost (+20 points)

62. Tag along with your friend on their Valentine's Day date (+20 points)

63. Cried when you saw two dogs humping (+30 points)

64. Looked at a three-wheeler and thought, “Me too, bro” (+20 points)

65. Wondered if maybe size does matter (+10 points)

66. Had to babysit the dog because your parents had plans (+20 points)

67. Gave yourself a hickie on the 14th, so it’s bright and obvious on the 15 (+30 points)

68. Tried to kiss someone at midnight, realised on being slapped that it’s not NYE (+50 points)

69. Cried every time you see the number 69 (+60 points)

70. Took an UberPool because you never know where you might meet The One (+40 points)

71. Order Hot ‘n’ Sour soup. Cry when asked if you want that one by two (+30 points)

72. Visited a tarot card reader (+40 points)

73. Walked up to a couple and said “This is against Indian culture” even though they weren’t doing anything (+60 points)

74. Got arrested for PDA (+20 points)

75. Held your own hand in a “follow me to…” picture (+10 points)

76. Googled “best places for valentine’s day”. Avoided all of them (-20 points)

77. Steal a mannequin. Tell everyone it’s real love (+20 points)

78. Said “No, YOU hang up” to no one on the other end of the phone (+20 points)

79. Everytime you see the word “celebrate” you auto correct it to “celibate” in your head (+5 points)

80. Googled asexual reproduction (+20 points)

81. Collected peacocks’ tears (+10 points)

82. Took permission to stay out till 2 am, got back home at 9 pm (+20 points)

83. Sent yourself a Sarahahahaha crush confession, shared it on Facebook (+10 points)

84. Reminded yourself that even Salman Khan is still single (+30 points)

85. Poked someone. On Facebook (+20 points)

86. Wore your “Shame on you, ladies. I’m still single” t-shirt in public (+20 points)

87. Handed out friendship bands because pyaar dosti hai (+10 points)

88. Booked the matinee show of DDLJ at Maratha Mandir (+5 points)

89. Grumbled about “kids these days” (+20 points)

90. Sang a duet in two different voices (+10 points)

91. Drank an LIIT with two straws (+20 points)

92. Photoshopped a ring on your finger/your crush into your profile picture (+30 points)

93. Watched TedTalks about the benefits of a polyamorous society (+40 points)

94. Had a threesome with your pilow and blanket (+10 points)

95. Turn up alone for a flash mob (+50 points)

96. Made plans with your single friends and didn’t show up  (+10 points)

97. Spent a bunch of time online taking quizzes (+100 points)

 

TOTAL SCORE:

 

Between 0 to 200: LOL, WHUT? 

 

giphy (6)

 

Your personality type is… a liar. Go back and take the quiz again. Be honest this time around, for a change.

 

Between 500 to 1000: Srsly?!

 

social-media-stalking-everybody-does-it-its-just-that-nobody-talks-about-it-cruel-intentions

 

 

From light stalking to drunk dialing your ex—everyone’s done it. Don’t beat yourself up. Try to find solace in the fact that some people have done much worse than you in this test and pour yourself another one. We know you can handle it, as long as you manage to keep your goddamn phone away.

 

Between 1000 to 2000: Whoa, damn. 

 

giphy (7)

 

 

You’re slightly cuckoo, but that’s okay as long as you don’t have a restraining order lying in your drawer somewhere. You could make a conscious effort to tone it down a little though, but who are we to say anything? We’re sure we’ve filled your head with many ideas while taking the quiz already. So, you do you.

 

Above 2000: SOMEONE SEND BACK UP! 

 

giphy (5)

 

WHOA! You definitely have some issues and need that Rs. 300 crore therapy we spoke about earlier. Things quickly escalate for you from a drink to a full-blown meltdown that include anything from threatening your ex’s current lover to photoshopping images of yourself between them. We suggest you lock yourself up for the day, for your and everyone else’s sake.

 

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